Am I underappreciating, neglecting, other parts of the garden because I am admiring the zinnias, calendula and glads?

Journal Excerpt | Sarah Mangle | Issue 8

Aug 30, 2021

Started Aug 11, 2020 - Oct 23, 2020 Selected Journals

Garden Backyard in Parc Ex, Montreal

Aug 11, 2020

Am I underappreciating, neglecting, other parts of the garden because I am admiring the zinnias, calendula and glads? Does the rest of the garden feel that asymmetry? Here we are, the “ugly” plants, producing yummy veggies for you, and all you do is admire and praise the flowers? I do find the potato plants beautiful, honestly. I like the zinnias more than the squash flowers. I love the smell of the tomato plants. To me, the smell of the cherry tomato plants is restorative, locates me in the garden. Drawing a slowly opening gladiola makes me think of the newest season of the L Word.

Yesterday the CAQ announced their new school reopening plan: mandatory masks for grade 5 and up but not in the classroom. Children can stay home and do online learning but only with a doctor’s note. The third and last option is complete homeschooling. If parents choose that, they have to prove to the province they’re meeting provincial curriculum requirements. On stolen land. In a province with the highest death rate in the country, higher than Bolivia. In a province that also won’t let women in head scarves be school teachers.

I harvested 3 cucumbers and 1 that Emma called “cucumber ball” because it was shaped like one. We ate the cucumber ball and one other one on our toast this morning.

Aug 12, 2020

The potato plants are beautiful, blooming, sturdy and proud. I would like to draw them, but there is nowhere to comfortably sit to draw them.

The sun is shining directly on me and it feels nice. Behind me, maybe in the alley, someone is singing. I’ve had what feels like boogers in the back of my mouth on the right side where it meets my ear canal for a couple of days.

Here is a moment where sci fi has become reality. How are we adjusting? What are we conceiving of our futures? Do you feel differently about having had children? Are we in a fog? Can we consider other people? Can we truly anticipate how our choices affect others?

Aug 14, 2020

Someone is sanding or washing something within earshot of me. The toddler across the alley is screaming in a playful way. Today is garbage day. Is socialization worth death? I harvested a tiny zucchini this morning because it didn’t seem to be growing anymore. I harvested a lot of green beans. The lawn needs mowing again, but I’m not feeling motivated to mow it.

I will miss those flowers a lot when they are gone. I should touch them more now, while they’re here. The air smells like sour cream and onion chips, or maybe all dressed.

August 17, 2020

Agnes — my alleyway neighbour, had visitors hanging on her back balcony for the majority of the day yesterday. At one point, Susie was playing in the backyard, holding up pretend binoculars to look over at them. They thought that was funny. Jacob told us yesterday about how his red car was stolen last week and then his cousin found it a few blocks away on De L’Epee with a box of car parts in it. But then they had to get it towed all the way to Laval for a new key.

When Agnes’s visitors came over yesterday, they could have hung out on her lawn — her very flat, green, mowed, lawn, but Agnes doesn’t hang out there. They crowded on the back balcony. That’s the first time since the pandemic hit that I’ve seen her have a visitor that is not a handyman or Eugene from down the street. She talks on the phone loudly most days, though, for a lot of the day. I think I hear the bell of the black cat, but I often think I hear that bell and it is something else.

Friday, August 21, 2020

I’m writing from our bed, looking out into the backyard. It’s pouring rain. Our upstairs neighbour, Trippy Dude, is on the back balcony drunk/high. He seems to be delighted and surprised to be out in the rain. He’s talking in a loop. “I’m not wrong …”

The white gladiola’s flowers, the first gladiola to bloom, the flowers are all dried up now.

There is a shortage of 500 teachers in Quebec. That many teachers decided to retire early or leave. I wonder how many people there are like me. How many daycare teachers have decided to leave? The rain is really coming down now.

I got a Canada Post card that I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a parcel because I had to pay $16.50. I am afraid to go inside the store so my initial response to the card was to shout, “no way!” and shove it far down into the recycling bag in the kitchen.

Aug. 23, 2020

Last night Jacob and Nika their family had a small festive 3-family birthday party. They are also moving out Sept 1, I found that out yesterday. There was a moment where they came over to the balcony and we took a photo all together and we were not touching but closer together than I have been intentionally, other than Emma, since corona hit. They kept inviting us to come closer. I really don’t want to be rude. I was anxious about the closeness for the rest of the evening and my body woke me up this morning at 5am. I also had a dream about being responsible for a young boy (in a sort of daycare scenario) and losing him in a convention centre and the people around me being only vaguely interested in helping me find him. It’s raining this morning, so I’m sitting on the balcony. It seems the tomato plant on the balcony is happiest there. Its leaves are looking a healthier green colour with each passing day. The cucumbers seem to be winding down, but there are still a few growing.

August 25, 2020

Trippy Dude is ranting on his back balcony about beating men up who disrespect women, so I am inside in my bedroom facing the backyard. What was a flower yesterday on Agnes’s fence is now a squash. I’m hoping there are squashes hiding and growing in our vines, but somehow I also think there aren’t any. I just took a break from writing because I heard Trippy Dude talking on the phone over and over with our landlord about there being 2 keys to the back fence. It felt awkward to hear my name mentioned. I keep feeling warm and thinking I have covid, but I also know that I don’t have a fever. I feel warm + anxiety. It’s very humid. The zinnias are still beautiful. I’m very grateful for them. I like all their different slants. Trippy Dude and his friends are now just singing along with music. I guess the thing is that moments really do pass.

August 26, 2020

Tomorrow Quebec French-language schools re-open. I asked Emma her predictions of how long the schools will be open before they shut down because of an outbreak. She predicted 2 weeks. 2 weeks from tomorrow is Sept 10. I predicted 1 month, which would be Sept 27. I will check back and see how the future unfolds in relation to my prediction. Trippy Dude continued his partying until around 6 or 7pm, but this morning the backyard is quiet. I found a pretty big cucumber growing above the beans and I harvested another cucumber that was big on one end and tiny on the other. I cleaned up some garbage in the backyard. I might heat up some potatoes and fry some eggs.

Sept 3, 2020

Today, a hearing begins to challenge the province to allow online school without a medical exemption. There is a website set up to collect covid in schools, and there’s at least 15 schools with covid cases. I’ve told myself I’m going to monitor the situation less, and perhaps that’s the thing I should have let go of last night. But also maybe not. I was really too hooked on my phone yesterday. Yesterday I was daydreaming about putting in a big pond near the flowers, where there is a few buckets of old paint and cement right now. I should work on disposing of that stuff and then I could see if it would actually be possible to put in a pond there. I just love ponds these days.

Someone is playing music out their windows. We lost power briefly this morning. There was a squirrel perched on the fire escape stairs at times making eye contact with me so I decided to draw it. Wow there are many birds on the balcony all pecking at a pizza crust.

Sept 9, 2020

I opened up the compost bin at the bottom where there is a sliding door and there was rich compost soil there. Hallelujah! We scooped up handfuls of it and fertilized the tomato plans and basil plants to see if that would help with the leaves losing their greenness.

There is a cat crawling in the bushes behind me. Yesterday I cooked chow chow, latkes and apple sauce.

700 people in Quebec are currently in isolation because of school related covid cases. The Quebec judge ruled against having an option for online learning but there will likely be an appeal.

Valerie Plante is in quarantine for 2 weeks after being in contact with another politician who tested positive. There is a daycare in Montreal that has a covid outbreak.

Sept 20, 2020

Trippy Dude and his friend painted a big red square over behind the birdbath area. They talked to me about it briefly. They were feeling really inspired. When I went out to water the plants and take in the green houses, there were 3 buddies of Trippy Dude quietly whispering to each other and giving each other shoulder massages.

Emma found a yellowing and big cucumber growing low among the cherry tomatoes somehow. She gasped and plucked it! Now it’s on the shelf next to the garlic I want to plant. She saw some new tomatoes growing too.

The Quebec government declared Montreal an orange zone, which seems only to mean we can’t hang out with 10 people in our homes. We can now hang out with 6 people. Everything else appears to stay the same.

Sept 28, 2020

Yesterday we had almost 900 new covid cases in Quebec. Our health minister said, “In the coming days … Montreal and Quebec City will be entering the red zone.” In the coming days? What is he waiting for? Keeping the schools open has become a political bargaining chip. For what, exactly, I have no idea. We are once again the epicenter of covid. Our government is the most incompetent. They tolerate death of their citizens the most.

Sept 29, 2020

When does one harvest garlic? Could I plant the garlic among the tulips and daffodils? I need to learn some permaculture skills.

We are living officially in a red zone. On Thursday, restaurants, cafes, bars, casinos, libraries, museums will be closed. We will not be permitted to have anyone over in our home — not that we do anyway. I wonder if the Jardins Botanique will be open. I listened to a really good interview with Mostafa Henaway last night about who in Quebec is really getting sick in this crisis.

Oct 5, 2020

The black cat has just arrived. She is checking me out in the garden. Is she hunting mice for us? She is the closest she has ever been right now in the garden. Now she is slowly slinking away. The sky is a beautiful blue with some clouds. Olga messaged me last night on facebook because she thinks the grey and white cat is lost — she gave it some tuna. Oh Olga, way to complicate things. There were 2 bottles of Trippy Dudes’ on the lawn this morning. I picked them up and put them next to a big plastic garbage on the street, so someone can return the empties. So many birds are singing this morning.

We’re still averaging over 1000 new cases a day of covid in this province. Legault is expected to impose new restrictions sometime today.

Oct 6, 2020

The Legault government is now urging everyone to download and use the contract tracing app created by the federal government that for months they were saying they didn’t want us to use. Now high schoolers in red zones will go to school every other day and on alternating days they will have online learning. I have no idea how that will actually work. Elementary school kids are proceeding as before. It’s been reported that 25% of spread is coming from schools. It seems like teachers are speaking out a tiny bit more. We’re continuing to have over a thousand new cases a day province-wide. We have more cases in Montreal but there are more deaths in Quebec City. The whole garden seemed damp this morning so I didn’t water it, but I did fill up the bird baths and the bowls of water and rocks that sit on either side of this chair. I tied up the wild green plant that was spreading out all over. The tomatoes are still going strong.

Oct 15, 2020

I voted in the U.S. election. I had to print things out. I had to fold on many dotted lines. I had to pay $28 to mail it with a tracking #, but now it is done.

Legault announced that Hallowe’en can go ahead, with restrictions. One main restriction is that people can’t actually hand out the candy. They should put it in a bucket on their porch.

Oct 19, 2020

Just woke up from a 2 hr nap. I had an annoying headache and the “café” lights in the living room were bothering me, and I just wanted to close my eyes. I’ve been detoxing from sugar and bread. I just ate an apple and just that made my vagina itchy. I’m existential and upset. I’m tired of living in fear of catching the virus. I’m tired of being capsized by the news. I’m tired of being itchy. I’m tired of having tender spots on my arms.

Oct 22, 2020

Black cat is pooping in the garden without shame in front of me. Earlier it seemed that Black Cat was hunting birds, standing on the compost, but she was unsuccessful. There are so many projects I want to do, but now I must do nothing, but I don’t know how to do nothing. I don’t feel relief yet. I still feel pressure. Black cat loves our backyard. Me and black cat hang out in the backyard. It feels so strange to have time to draw.

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