I never wanted to have children, not even when I really tried to. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I pretty much feel like I have to apologize for 99% of everything I ever do and have done, with my childlessness being the only free 1%!
It took me a minute to figure out which Sara this was!!! Ha ha! The "cook" threw me and then I looked in my Gmail. I couldn't think of what other Sara knew about the Ouija Board!!! Of course it was you!
Men are pressured to have children, too, though seldom as strongly as women are. Mostly, the pressure for us comes from our families, especially parents who want grandchildren. The “family man” is esteemed as the man who has fully entered a world of adult responsibilities; the childfree man is selfishly enjoying a long adolescence.
I remember quite vividly when my father said, in a tone mixing disappointment, exasperation, and disgust, “You’ll never get married.” Whether I would ever find a life partner was really the last thing on my father’s mind. It was about having kids, giving him grandkids. He came from a large family where having kids — lots of them — was just what was done, and my lack of hurry about the issue went against the natural order of things. You can just imagine, then, how my coming out as bisexual landed with him.
I’m undecided, still, whether I’ll ever have kids. When I’m around kids — often, these days, as I’m teaching two young kids how to read — I enjoy being a big kid myself, with permission to play and be silly. And I’m run ragged by them, too, overwhelmed and exhausted by their energy, put off by their behavior. It’s sort of strange, being someone who’s good with kids but who doesn’t feel an urge to have my own — but maybe the reason I’m good with kids is precisely that I don’t have my own.
A great piece, Kathryn. Thank you. Halfway through my marriage of nine years my husband began campaigning for children. I stayed ambivalent because I was scared he'd leave me. Finally, after 4 years of maybe I was ready to face into it. One night I said "we can't keep having this conversation. I don't want children." And he responded "if that's the case, I can't stay." It was shockingly clear and sad but also a relief. And I do not regret it.
I loved this essay so much! As a parent of two children I made sure that I gave my kids plenty of faerie godparents who live perfectly amazing lives without children. I have made it clear that I love them and that their choices are theirs alone to make.
I was one of the only people in my friend group children and was an outsider for awhile. I love that we live in a future where there are so many more narratives around having kids or choosing, actively, not to.
I don’t think my mom felt like she had a choice. And my parents never made me feel like I had too…so when I did it felt like I did out of my own volition.
But when I had little kids and people would ask me if they should have kids…I answered honestly from that perspective. No. I said. If you’re asking me right now. No. Even though I loved my kids, and genuinely loved parenting. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s decision.
I think I said yes for the first time to a woman who was asking me for advice this year. She seemed genuinely excited about everything that came with being a parent. And I was like…if you’re asking me now…I’d say yes. But I think I’d rather people stop asking me 😂
I love that your essay is in the world for people who need to hear someone saying the things they feel. You rock a whole lot. 🫶
I never wanted to have children, not even when I really tried to. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I pretty much feel like I have to apologize for 99% of everything I ever do and have done, with my childlessness being the only free 1%!
I love this piece! Wonderfully written.
Thanks so much!
I love your writing and I remember your Ouija board!
Thanks so much!
It took me a minute to figure out which Sara this was!!! Ha ha! The "cook" threw me and then I looked in my Gmail. I couldn't think of what other Sara knew about the Ouija Board!!! Of course it was you!
Great read! No children for me! You're not alone.
Thanks Mona!
Very engaging essay!
Men are pressured to have children, too, though seldom as strongly as women are. Mostly, the pressure for us comes from our families, especially parents who want grandchildren. The “family man” is esteemed as the man who has fully entered a world of adult responsibilities; the childfree man is selfishly enjoying a long adolescence.
I remember quite vividly when my father said, in a tone mixing disappointment, exasperation, and disgust, “You’ll never get married.” Whether I would ever find a life partner was really the last thing on my father’s mind. It was about having kids, giving him grandkids. He came from a large family where having kids — lots of them — was just what was done, and my lack of hurry about the issue went against the natural order of things. You can just imagine, then, how my coming out as bisexual landed with him.
I’m undecided, still, whether I’ll ever have kids. When I’m around kids — often, these days, as I’m teaching two young kids how to read — I enjoy being a big kid myself, with permission to play and be silly. And I’m run ragged by them, too, overwhelmed and exhausted by their energy, put off by their behavior. It’s sort of strange, being someone who’s good with kids but who doesn’t feel an urge to have my own — but maybe the reason I’m good with kids is precisely that I don’t have my own.
Thanks for sharing Joshua!
A great piece, Kathryn. Thank you. Halfway through my marriage of nine years my husband began campaigning for children. I stayed ambivalent because I was scared he'd leave me. Finally, after 4 years of maybe I was ready to face into it. One night I said "we can't keep having this conversation. I don't want children." And he responded "if that's the case, I can't stay." It was shockingly clear and sad but also a relief. And I do not regret it.
Oh wow Ronna thanks for sharing.
I loved this essay so much! As a parent of two children I made sure that I gave my kids plenty of faerie godparents who live perfectly amazing lives without children. I have made it clear that I love them and that their choices are theirs alone to make.
I was one of the only people in my friend group children and was an outsider for awhile. I love that we live in a future where there are so many more narratives around having kids or choosing, actively, not to.
I don’t think my mom felt like she had a choice. And my parents never made me feel like I had too…so when I did it felt like I did out of my own volition.
But when I had little kids and people would ask me if they should have kids…I answered honestly from that perspective. No. I said. If you’re asking me right now. No. Even though I loved my kids, and genuinely loved parenting. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s decision.
I think I said yes for the first time to a woman who was asking me for advice this year. She seemed genuinely excited about everything that came with being a parent. And I was like…if you’re asking me now…I’d say yes. But I think I’d rather people stop asking me 😂
I love that your essay is in the world for people who need to hear someone saying the things they feel. You rock a whole lot. 🫶
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. This is lovely.
Great to hear such similar experiences / ruminations as my own! Thank you for this! 💕
Thank you for this thoughtful consideration!