I never wanted to have children, not even when I really tried to. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I pretty much feel like I have to apologize for 99% of everything I ever do and have done, with my childlessness being the only free 1%!
Ah thank you Dear Melissa!! 🥰 I’m really working on not apologizing for just about everything! It’s a daily resolution and I’m not seeing much improvement yet but I’ll keep persisting! Thank you very much for this support and encouragement! 💖🤗
It took me a minute to figure out which Sara this was!!! Ha ha! The "cook" threw me and then I looked in my Gmail. I couldn't think of what other Sara knew about the Ouija Board!!! Of course it was you!
Men are pressured to have children, too, though seldom as strongly as women are. Mostly, the pressure for us comes from our families, especially parents who want grandchildren. The “family man” is esteemed as the man who has fully entered a world of adult responsibilities; the childfree man is selfishly enjoying a long adolescence.
I remember quite vividly when my father said, in a tone mixing disappointment, exasperation, and disgust, “You’ll never get married.” Whether I would ever find a life partner was really the last thing on my father’s mind. It was about having kids, giving him grandkids. He came from a large family where having kids — lots of them — was just what was done, and my lack of hurry about the issue went against the natural order of things. You can just imagine, then, how my coming out as bisexual landed with him.
I’m undecided, still, whether I’ll ever have kids. When I’m around kids — often, these days, as I’m teaching two young kids how to read — I enjoy being a big kid myself, with permission to play and be silly. And I’m run ragged by them, too, overwhelmed and exhausted by their energy, put off by their behavior. It’s sort of strange, being someone who’s good with kids but who doesn’t feel an urge to have my own — but maybe the reason I’m good with kids is precisely that I don’t have my own.
A great piece, Kathryn. Thank you. Halfway through my marriage of nine years my husband began campaigning for children. I stayed ambivalent because I was scared he'd leave me. Finally, after 4 years of maybe I was ready to face into it. One night I said "we can't keep having this conversation. I don't want children." And he responded "if that's the case, I can't stay." It was shockingly clear and sad but also a relief. And I do not regret it.
I loved this essay so much! As a parent of two children I made sure that I gave my kids plenty of faerie godparents who live perfectly amazing lives without children. I have made it clear that I love them and that their choices are theirs alone to make.
I was one of the only people in my friend group children and was an outsider for awhile. I love that we live in a future where there are so many more narratives around having kids or choosing, actively, not to.
I don’t think my mom felt like she had a choice. And my parents never made me feel like I had too…so when I did it felt like I did out of my own volition.
But when I had little kids and people would ask me if they should have kids…I answered honestly from that perspective. No. I said. If you’re asking me right now. No. Even though I loved my kids, and genuinely loved parenting. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s decision.
I think I said yes for the first time to a woman who was asking me for advice this year. She seemed genuinely excited about everything that came with being a parent. And I was like…if you’re asking me now…I’d say yes. But I think I’d rather people stop asking me 😂
I love that your essay is in the world for people who need to hear someone saying the things they feel. You rock a whole lot. 🫶
Yeah, that's a good point, you're not considered an adult until A) you get married & B) you have kids. Until then you're viewed as a kinda drain on society & pitied.
People have similar responses when you say you're asexual. They just don't understand.
It's frustrating how much dislike & disdain & meanest comes from Christian circles & I assume, other religions. Christianity has a rich tradition of making a space & respecting the child free, mostly in the form of nuns & monks as respectful vocations (so Pope Francis's response really baffles me, did he forget them?)
But also it's clear in the Bible that God doesn't intend for everyone to have children! We'd have an overpopulation problem if we did!
As for being alone or dying alone - has everyone forgotten friends exist?
Thanks for sharing again. As someone who had the burning desire to be a mom at 8, I also get the desire to not be a mom. I honestly more people who are on the fence of actually know they don’t wants kids, would not submit to societal pressure, or more that people would just mind their own damn business. Also we should have more stories, films and art that centre the childfree life without even talking about it…like ever.
Thanks for sharing. My ex and I got so sick of this question - and the idea that we were supposed to justify this choice with a thesis - that we joked about just telling people "a dingo ate my baby" and then bursting into tears...
Kathryn, I really liked this piece. Thank you for writing it. It's funny: It caused me to realize something I hadn't thought about before. While the pressure on women to have children is far greater than the pressure on men, the pressure on women at least expires when they reach middle age. Men who keep changing partners (like me, for better or worse) can keep getting pressured to have children indefinitely! I knew a professor at MIT who married one of his graduate students and had a baby at the age of 70. (I'm certainly not saying I think that's a good idea, though.)
Not long ago—and I was over 50 at this point—a female friend of mine said to me, "I think what you really need is a baby. You should find someone young who wants to have a baby; that will allow you to feel real love." Needless to say, as someone who actively does not want children, I was put off. I don't think our friendship was ever the same after that.
I think that might also be the secret to my relationship! Though my husband and I met (21 years ago) when I was 42 and he was 45, so we didn't have much choice anyway by then. I had mixed feelings about children most of my life but am relieved now not to have had them, mainly because of the world we'd be leaving them. And yes, I do still care about the world we're leaving other people's children and stress about it all the time; I'd likely be even more of a wreck if I had my own.
I never wanted to have children, not even when I really tried to. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I pretty much feel like I have to apologize for 99% of everything I ever do and have done, with my childlessness being the only free 1%!
Dearest Lisa, I want to heart this, except I don't want you to apologize for 99% of what you do or have done. You are 100% fun and interesting!
Ah thank you Dear Melissa!! 🥰 I’m really working on not apologizing for just about everything! It’s a daily resolution and I’m not seeing much improvement yet but I’ll keep persisting! Thank you very much for this support and encouragement! 💖🤗
I love this piece! Wonderfully written.
Thanks so much!
I love your writing and I remember your Ouija board!
Thanks so much!
It took me a minute to figure out which Sara this was!!! Ha ha! The "cook" threw me and then I looked in my Gmail. I couldn't think of what other Sara knew about the Ouija Board!!! Of course it was you!
Great read! No children for me! You're not alone.
Thanks Mona!
Very engaging essay!
Men are pressured to have children, too, though seldom as strongly as women are. Mostly, the pressure for us comes from our families, especially parents who want grandchildren. The “family man” is esteemed as the man who has fully entered a world of adult responsibilities; the childfree man is selfishly enjoying a long adolescence.
I remember quite vividly when my father said, in a tone mixing disappointment, exasperation, and disgust, “You’ll never get married.” Whether I would ever find a life partner was really the last thing on my father’s mind. It was about having kids, giving him grandkids. He came from a large family where having kids — lots of them — was just what was done, and my lack of hurry about the issue went against the natural order of things. You can just imagine, then, how my coming out as bisexual landed with him.
I’m undecided, still, whether I’ll ever have kids. When I’m around kids — often, these days, as I’m teaching two young kids how to read — I enjoy being a big kid myself, with permission to play and be silly. And I’m run ragged by them, too, overwhelmed and exhausted by their energy, put off by their behavior. It’s sort of strange, being someone who’s good with kids but who doesn’t feel an urge to have my own — but maybe the reason I’m good with kids is precisely that I don’t have my own.
Thanks for sharing Joshua!
A great piece, Kathryn. Thank you. Halfway through my marriage of nine years my husband began campaigning for children. I stayed ambivalent because I was scared he'd leave me. Finally, after 4 years of maybe I was ready to face into it. One night I said "we can't keep having this conversation. I don't want children." And he responded "if that's the case, I can't stay." It was shockingly clear and sad but also a relief. And I do not regret it.
Oh wow Ronna thanks for sharing.
I loved this essay so much! As a parent of two children I made sure that I gave my kids plenty of faerie godparents who live perfectly amazing lives without children. I have made it clear that I love them and that their choices are theirs alone to make.
I was one of the only people in my friend group children and was an outsider for awhile. I love that we live in a future where there are so many more narratives around having kids or choosing, actively, not to.
I don’t think my mom felt like she had a choice. And my parents never made me feel like I had too…so when I did it felt like I did out of my own volition.
But when I had little kids and people would ask me if they should have kids…I answered honestly from that perspective. No. I said. If you’re asking me right now. No. Even though I loved my kids, and genuinely loved parenting. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s decision.
I think I said yes for the first time to a woman who was asking me for advice this year. She seemed genuinely excited about everything that came with being a parent. And I was like…if you’re asking me now…I’d say yes. But I think I’d rather people stop asking me 😂
I love that your essay is in the world for people who need to hear someone saying the things they feel. You rock a whole lot. 🫶
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. This is lovely.
Great to hear such similar experiences / ruminations as my own! Thank you for this! 💕
Thanks!
I received ‘Others Like Me’ by Nicole Louie recently, not yet read.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/204140177-others-like-me
This looks good!
Thank you for this thoughtful consideration!
Yeah, that's a good point, you're not considered an adult until A) you get married & B) you have kids. Until then you're viewed as a kinda drain on society & pitied.
Yes.
People have similar responses when you say you're asexual. They just don't understand.
It's frustrating how much dislike & disdain & meanest comes from Christian circles & I assume, other religions. Christianity has a rich tradition of making a space & respecting the child free, mostly in the form of nuns & monks as respectful vocations (so Pope Francis's response really baffles me, did he forget them?)
But also it's clear in the Bible that God doesn't intend for everyone to have children! We'd have an overpopulation problem if we did!
As for being alone or dying alone - has everyone forgotten friends exist?
Thanks for sharing again. As someone who had the burning desire to be a mom at 8, I also get the desire to not be a mom. I honestly more people who are on the fence of actually know they don’t wants kids, would not submit to societal pressure, or more that people would just mind their own damn business. Also we should have more stories, films and art that centre the childfree life without even talking about it…like ever.
Thanks for sharing. My ex and I got so sick of this question - and the idea that we were supposed to justify this choice with a thesis - that we joked about just telling people "a dingo ate my baby" and then bursting into tears...
I wish you had told people that!
One of my favourites from you <3
Thanks so much!
Kathryn, I really liked this piece. Thank you for writing it. It's funny: It caused me to realize something I hadn't thought about before. While the pressure on women to have children is far greater than the pressure on men, the pressure on women at least expires when they reach middle age. Men who keep changing partners (like me, for better or worse) can keep getting pressured to have children indefinitely! I knew a professor at MIT who married one of his graduate students and had a baby at the age of 70. (I'm certainly not saying I think that's a good idea, though.)
Not long ago—and I was over 50 at this point—a female friend of mine said to me, "I think what you really need is a baby. You should find someone young who wants to have a baby; that will allow you to feel real love." Needless to say, as someone who actively does not want children, I was put off. I don't think our friendship was ever the same after that.
Thanks for sharing your story Gregory. The "real love" thing is annoying!
I think that might also be the secret to my relationship! Though my husband and I met (21 years ago) when I was 42 and he was 45, so we didn't have much choice anyway by then. I had mixed feelings about children most of my life but am relieved now not to have had them, mainly because of the world we'd be leaving them. And yes, I do still care about the world we're leaving other people's children and stress about it all the time; I'd likely be even more of a wreck if I had my own.