"Prissy"
The First Time | It’s a courageous act to continue, darlin’s. Daily.
The First Time “Prissy” by Kirby | Send My Love to Anyone
Shall I rewrite or revise / My October symphony? / Or as an indication / Change the dedication / From revolution to revelation? — Pet Shop Boys
Is she off a cliff?
She’s utterly lost.
She misses future thinking
her pre-internet brain [Coupland]
things that work
being carefree
going to New York
travel without dread
the city she grew up in
cinemas with grand marquees
having to enter a place
old flames
wanting to go outside [or do anything]
going to the market my bread boy
walking without effort
dancing
going for drives
get up and go
seeing things
having a life
Saturday morning cartoons
“Your grief is real,” my friend Bobby says.
So is long COVID.
Why is she trying to make things matter anyways? Fuck that habit.
Especially these last days of summer, her absolute favourite, that hint of crispness in the air, crunchy apples, constant breeze, a lush growth spurt of herbs and blossoms find their epiphanies in a final chorus on the balcony. When Toronto skies are blue-blue, trees so green against the blues, the promise of field tomatoes and real tomato sandwiches and didn’t Hellman’s know just when to go on sale? And peaches. And apricots.
I still experience these as seasonal. Don’t you?
She doesn’t like to matter, so she tries to make things matter, but that’s not entirely true. Nothing binary ever is.
Of course she wants to matter, she does matter ffs. I simply want to have a say in how and what matters.
For instance, I don’t want it to matter, how much I’ve aged or how slow I’ve become of late. And, I’m self-conscious about it, because it’s a new thing for me to consider.
“I am single, yes, but I’m too exhausted for anything else and being gay is a young man’s game,” actor Rupert Everett would say, “I could set myself on fire at Heaven (a London nightclub) and gays would simply light their fags off me.” How fabulous!
This isn’t entirely true either, (well, maybe in Heaven). My god, was anyone more crush-worthy than once “leading man” Rupert in Dance with a Stranger, The Comfort of Strangers, Another Country? His recent brilliant turn in My Policeman.
I get it. We’re the same age. Madonna, Morrissey & me. The age of disappearance. Or, as the Morrissey song goes, “Now I am a was.”
I shared this fear of being “left out,” with a younger friend Finner, who replied, “I don’t think that’s just an older person fear.” and while I know that to be true, perhaps My October Symphony casts a different shadow. Another false assumption. Depends on the day.
Funny, “Blame it on My Youth,” is playing on the radio.
Quite unexpectedly, I ran into an old friend (a rarity to be sure), not just anyone, but one of the dancers from the dance I raved with featured in the final pages of Poetry is Queer, the Arthur of Arthur and Ermano, now single and their name is Aaron, and how strange because they share similarly chiseled features as Rupert, that strong jawline and hair for days. It took but a minute for smiles of recognition to kick in. We’ve met up several times since. How lovely to pick up this friendship again.
He’s in one of the newer residences in Corktown, an area I’m quite familiar with since we know another dear friend on nearby Trinity Street (many a gay night there, what’s a gay night you ask? When gays are free to be gay), and it was such a pleasure to be in my friend’s new home he’s worked so hard most of his life to procure. To see him well. Enjoy G’nT’s, a puff, and a sunset. I texted these thanks:
And the next day, I sent the mock-up for the cover of my new collection, She
It’s a courageous act to continue, darlin’s. Daily.
Reminder: Let loved ones care for you Kirby, they do. And the young ones adore you. Such good fortune.
I now ask for what I need. Recently tested out some canes. Not quite there yet. Soon come.
Kirby is the author of Poetry Is Queer.
Send My Love to Anyone | Issue 29
Issue 29 Gatherings
Excerpt from Jawbone (Radiant Press) by Meghan Greeley
The First Time “Prissy” by Kirby
On Self-Promotion by Kathryn Mockler
Sign up for Where Do I Start? | Writing Prompts & Resources by Kathryn Mockler
Support Send My Love to Anyone
This newsletter is free, but you can support it by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!
Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!
Connect
Twitter | Instagram | @themockler | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe