It’s okay to burn bridges.

Words Count | Kathryn Mockler on Writing Advice to My Younger Self

My Younger Self Gives Writing Advice to My Younger Self

I wrote this a few years ago, but much still applies as advice to myself—especially the saying no part!

This is a picture of me when I was around 17 or 18, the age when I first wanted to be a writer.

There aren't many pictures of me as a teenager, so I don't have a lot to choose from.

Yes, that's a hippie scarf and Pink Floyd poster on the wall. The 60s came back hard in the 80s.

Yes, I'm smoking.

Yes, I look like a stoner. I was.

I know. Embarrassing!

Here is some advice I would give to my younger self about the writing life. These are things I wish I had known when I was secretly writing poems in my journal and would never have dared to tell anyone I wanted to be a writer.

1. Don’t let anyone determine whether or not you will be a writer besides yourself. When I started writing I felt somehow that I need permission to write or to be told that I was worthy of becoming a writer by someone who I thought was important. This is a trap that many new writers fall into. But you don’t need anyone’s permission to write. There are going to be more people who write books than who read them, and you have to decide if you are going to let someone else choose how you want to spend your life. At the end of the day, you will be the person most invested in your writing life. Never allow someone tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t write or what you should or shouldn’t write about.

2. Try not to let rejection determine your value as a writer and human being. If you are rejected from something you really are invested in know that it will take about a week for the pain to go away. Acceptances don’t necessarily mean that the best writing has been picked. Best is subjective. It’s often random. Try not to take it personally. If you find yourself constantly being rejected then do something to get feedback so you can build your skills and improve your writing:

   1. take a course

   2. visit a writer-in-residence in your community

   3. get a trusted writing friend to critique your work

   4. start or join a writing group

   5. hire an editor (if you are able)

   6. read more

   7. write more

3. Make honest connections with people in your community. Be wary of users. Be wary of people who want to befriend you too easily or quickly. On the other hand, don’t treat people as a means to an end. Networking is not about using people. If you do it right, you are just making friends with likeminded people. Invest in people not in what people can do for you. 

4. Volunteering can be good but avoid over-volunteering. If you’re operating in the lit mag or small press world, there will often be volunteering opportunities which can be a good thing as long as you are getting something out of it and not overdoing it. It can be easy to get exploited if you are someone who is willing to please. Alternatively start your own thing and that way you can control how much or how little you want to invest.

5. Try not to determine your worth by using someone else’s career as a yardstick for your own success. Even though you will feel it from time to time and it’s perfectly understandable and natural given how competitive the literary world is, jealousy, if you dwell on it for too long, is going to be a waste of time (unless of course you find it motivating then go for it). For many jealousy drains energy that is better spent elsewhere like on your actual writing. Everyone will have their own path. There is no age that you should be published by. My first book of poetry was published when I was 40 which at the time I thought was so old. Focus on yourself and mind your own business. Chances are you won’t win awards for your writing or make money. If you are published, you most likely will hardly ever be read. I hate to say this but it is true. Be able to live with not being the most special writer in the room, and you will have a more fulfilling writing life.

6. You have to be in this for something other than external validation. If something good happens, be grateful for it, and be pleasantly surprised but don’t expect it. But if you are only a writer for the cookies, it will be a rough writing life. For most writers, there are more downs than ups, and learning to navigate them and getting yourself out of ruts is what will sustain you in the long term.

7. It’s okay to burn bridges. For much of my writing career, I was so afraid to burn bridges I behaved in ways I regret. I let people walk all over me, and I didn't stand up for myself. Don't be so afraid of burning bridges that you refrain from speaking out on issues that are important to you or that you allow others to harm, use, or take advantage of you. Your writing career is not worth more than your dignity, humanity, or core values.

8. Say no. I used to be a yes person and now I'm a no person. I encourage more people to be no people because usually what you get asked to do is work for free for someone else. I used to say yes all the time for fear I would lose some great opportunity. But usually there is no great opportunity, and you end up feeling depleted and resentful. No one is going to pay you more or respect you at your job or in your career because you constantly work for free or say yes to things you don't want to do. A medical crisis forced me to say no a couple of years ago, and at first it was terrible. I was filled with guilt and was distressed all the time. But after the first few times saying no (because I had to), I realized just how liberating it is to say no and to only spend time on things I really want to and are able to do. When you say no the world doesn't fall apart because, hey, you're not that important. And the person asking will just ask someone else. I wish I could shake my younger self and say stop it. Stop saying yes all the time. Chelene Knight offers a terrific workshop for writers on the topic of saying no: How to Say No with Love

9. Don’t underestimate people. I have been on the receiving end of being underestimated. It does not feel good. I have underestimated people too, and I deeply regret it. Underestimating people is about wanting to feel superior. Don’t do this. People can learn and grow and develop and change. We are never just one thing at one time. Give people the room to be better and to surprise you. 

10. Try new things. Don't do the same thing over and over because it worked and you liked the praise. Try something new and be willing to fail. You'll learn more from your failures than from your successes.

11. Move your body. Make sure that you get exercise. Writing is a sitting gig. And that sitting is hell on your body. Strengthen your core. Go for a walk. Trust me. You will have a bad back if you don't.

These are still things I need to remind my current writing self.

Do any resonate with you?

What would be your writing advice to your younger writer self?

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